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Am I a “woman” or a “man”? Answer: I don’t give a shit.

Am I a “woman” or a “man”?   Answer:    I don’t give a shit.

 

 

So I am two and a half months in… and I have run into a problem.   It’s not a major problem necessarily but it is one none the less.  I don’t know what I am.   Or better yet I do not know what to consider myself.  I’m taking this way too far I believe but since the line of questioning has begun… there’s no stopping it.  Like this little tidbit I ran into on a shared post of my blog.

“Changing gender presentation doesn’t mean you buy into the gender binary …”
“Actually it kinda does, since the presentation outside the basic physical is purely societal. I could           maybe understand changing your body, but why the long hair/dresses/makeup if not to switch into the    socially accepted role? Why play dress up to meet the expectations of others?”

I could not really come up with a good answer to his question.  And that really really bothers me.   I want so badly to just be me.  I spent the majority of my life being what I thought society wanted from me, what I need to be to hide in the world.   Am I still doing that?  Am I addicted to lying?   I think this may be driving me mad.  In the back of my head I refuse to submit to the idea of being a woman or being labeled one… which is fucked up…   but its true…  I don’t want to be labeled anything.  I do not want to wear some label proudly.  I just want to be me.  And do the things I like.  Which just happen to be mainly shit women like to do.  I want to have the outward body to match my inner body image…   that’s all …  I want to be a woman … be accepted in society as a woman … or any of that shit.

This is just the one subject my mind cannot clear up… its breaking so many rules… the loss of labels…  is that possible?   Can I change my speech and vocabulary so much as to stop using labels?   I have relied on them for so much.  Damnit labels are useful tools though… aren’t they?    Do they not make human interaction easier?  Wait….   Is that a good thing?   Think of how labels have hurt the trans community.   Think of how labels have done way more harm than good…   So I can make sense of that bit…  yet about about the simple “man”/”woman” labels?   Can I skirt by without those?   What about documents that require a gender to be selected?

Side note:   I do my absolute best to fill out as few forms as possible and put down as little information as possible… so maybe that’s not a such a big deal for me but I know it can be for many… Honestly I would push for being able to use a female marker instead of male … wait … did I seriously just type that out in all seriousness?  “being able to use”   fuck that shit … no one can tell me what I can and cannot call myself… this whole idea is working itself out in the blog post here … I don’t have to ask permission to do a god damned thing in this world.    Here … take this label mother fuckers … I am a Time Lord … chew on that.

Wow, this has been so helpful, typing this all out.   I think I finally have cleared this all up.  The answer is simple.  I don’t give a shit or DILLIGAF.   Whatever my gender is, whatever my gender identity is… it doesn’t matter what I call it… It is mine and mine alone.

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About The Author

I am Miah Akston, transitioning to a destination unknown but its going to include alot of pink and alot of anarchy!!!

Number of Entries : 83

Comments (1)

  • Cavan

    Your difficulty is understandable. Asking the question “Why play dress up to meet the expectations of others?” is exceptionally misleading. Why? Because the question itself is really just, “Why play dress up?” The “to meet the expectations of others” part is actually being provided as a presumed answer to the question that’s probably been provided in order to lead the person being asked into a line of discussion that will probably justify why it shouldn’t be considered a “bad” thing for people to want to meet the expectations of others, when that might not actually have much to do with it at all.

    So let’s try to leave that part out for now and first try to ponder the question, “Why play dress up?” Well, why does anyone ‘dress up’? Is it ever considered “playing dress up” when you’re just getting dressed day-to-day, or only when you’re presenting yourself contrary to your assigned birth sex? It sounds to me that “playing dress up” tends to make the implication that one is presenting one’s self as someone or something they’re not. So that begs the question: did this person asking really mean to imply that dressing in a manner that’s considered non-conforming with your assigned birth sex is the same as presenting a facade of your “real” self?

    And the answer is, yes, of course they did. And that asker followed that presumption up with yet another presumption, one in which they presume that the only reason a person could possibly have for presenting a facade of their “real” self to others would be in order to meet other people’s expectations.

    Perhaps this will make it easier for you: A person can own as many hats as they wish, but they can only wear one at a time. If you equate wearing a certain type of hat with presenting as a certain gender, then does it really make sense to try to label a person’s gender by the hat they chose to wear TODAY? Would it not make more sense to try to apply a label based on that person’s entire collection of hats, rather than just the one they just happened to wear on a certain day?

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